For years, I was always so motivated to get things done. I was on the move constantly and did everything I could to better myself. Things really seemed to be going well for a long time. In fact, thanks to this motivation I found myself getting things accomplished at an earlier age than many of my peers.

However, that all changed when I fell into such a deep depression that I no longer felt anything in life really mattered. For years, I suffered with the mild depression, but something really put me over the edge during this time in my life. The hopeless feeling is almost indescribable. If you’ve never experienced a complete lack of interest in every single thing about life, it would be hard for you to relate. During this time I began to participate in what I consider to be self destructive behavior. Things like pushing away those people who care about me, ignoring my needs, and most importantly suffering in silence. In 2008, I finally decided to start getting real help for my depression as I felt like it was no longer in control. My apathetic behavior had finally came to a head and I felt the need to change.

I wouldn’t say it was any one thing that caused me to feel the need to seek help, it was more like a combination of things.I am glad that I did get help, because my depression truly feels under control these days.

And why am I writing about all of this now? Well, this month, I turned 26.. and for the first time I am closer to 30 than 20.. and even farther away from being a teenager. This really got me thinking. Is this really it?!

Things have been going seemingly well as of lately. Mostly because I have come to terms with my illness and understand that it is going to effect my life, regardless of what I do. There is no quick fix for this and ultimately the only real treatment for it is to learn how my body is going to react to specific activities. A lot of my time is spent simply in trial and error, as I find out what I am and am not capable of doing any longer.

I have found that on days when I do have energy and pains are lesser than usual (this does not happen very often) I really enjoy crafting. This can be something as simple as painting, taking pictures, sewing, etc.. the little things like this are what really help me enjoy days like that. Another change I have had to make to my lifestyle is to nap frequently and without shame. My body requires a nap almost daily. This nap is anywhere from 2-6 hours and if I choose to ignore the fact that I need this nap, my body decides that it doesn’t want to do anything at all for the rest of the day/week. This has caused me to pause and really understand how powerful my own body is when it comes to something that it feels it needs.

It’s not always easy to explain to others that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis/Fibromyalgia, and when I do explain I often get looked at like I’m crazy. Outwardly, I appear fine. Unless you’ve known me a while, you wouldn’t notice that I often look very swollen, tired, and zoned out. Those close to me say that I sometimes have all the lights on but nobody is home. I have become incredibly forgetful and often times am unable to make any plans because I may have a rough day and have to cancel last minute. Everything depends on how my body feels. I won’t lie – it does not always make me happy.

On the other hand, with my body forcing me to slow down so much, I have come to learn things about myself I never thought I would. For example, I really enjoy helping others. Seriously, I get joy out of making people around me happy. This never dawned on me before, because I had so much negativity going on all the time that I felt as though I couldn’t simply enjoy the time I was spending with others enough to truly appreciate the ways that I can make them happy. I am also a proud member of the spelling police. It bothers me to no end when someone cannot take the time to spell something correctly. This is especially true for my name. My name is not difficult to spell and if you are unaware of how to do so, ask. I’ve never refused to tell anyone how to spell my name properly and wouldn’t start now. Photography is a true passion of mine, one that I never really explored until recently. Apple computers make me happy. Cashews are a gift from heaven. My true friends are angels.Writing takes my mind off of my pain and puts me in a zen state of mind.

There is a lot more I have learned, but it is late and to be honest, my fingers are starting to cramp already. There is truly not a single aspect of my life that RA has not decided to invade.

Thank you all for birthday wishes, I really appreciated the sentiment.

Always,

Tabitha

Just wanted to take a minute and share some of the good things that are going on in my life right now:

1. My husband started a new job¬† about a month ago. So far, he absolutely loves it! It’s so nice to see him come home and feel happy.

2. I started receiving epidural injections in my back for treatment of my disc problems. My pain management doctor seems to think that the disc problems could be exacerbating my pain levels and in turn, treating them would help alleviate some – not all – but at least some of the pain. This is good because at least there is some hope of relief.

Here’s to hoping everything works out for the best!

I can’t sleep!

final test entry

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A lot of my content was moved private recently, so that I can have a chance to review what I have on my site and see where things are. Some of the topics and posts will be modified or moved to another sub-topic and others may be just left private indefinitely.

Also, I will be including a new section on my experiences with UNUM Provident as I feel that there are not enough personal experiences to allow others to make a reasonable assessment of the company itself. Yes, they are an insurance company and have certain obligations as such. But, I have had an overall decent experience thus far (except for some wrinkles; which we have been ironing out along the way). They are not the worst company in the world, but definitely have some things to work on. In this new section, I will begin including information about my personal encounters with them as well as some of the requirements they are asking of me to maintain my claim with them under Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Keep an eye out for these changes as they will be underway over the next month or so as my site receives a new look and feel to it also!

Jer passed his final Microsoft to be deemed a Microsoft Certified Systems Administrator (MCSA)!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so proud of my husband, he is really pushing himself and beginning to achieve goals that I know he once thought were beyond his reach.

Great job, Jeremy!

I love you so much and am glad that you’ve decided to share your life with me. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband or best friend.